recycled

i know i haven’t written anything for the longest time.  didn’t feel like it. but when i checked my friendster account today, by some stroke of magic my old blog appeared in my profile view. this hasn’t happened in ages. i have completely forgotten the URL of that site so as much as i wanted to save all the things i’ve written there for awhile i never had the way how.

so now im bookmarking the page. and, im recycling an entry. this is the reason why i keep journals. it allows one to do the impossible and leap back into time, into a past frame of mind so vividly – it seems you were there. can’t say i feel the same way now as i did last sep12, 2006 when i wrote this. sentiments are somewhat different. i mean, i’m not as lonely as i seem to be… why i can’t say – it’s a number of factors really. i just wanted to re-post this entry – apparent reasons not evident. it’s my blog anyway.

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burning bridges

i remember telling a friend a few days before leaving Manila that i felt weird. i was counting the days ’til my flight and i had this image of me dying once i board northwest. life as i knew will change.

i was trying to deny it then. i didn’t even cry during the last few moments with my friends. i told them we just need to keep in touch. joked that i would probably be back in a few months – anticipating the possibility that things will not work out as i have planned. i desperately asked them to email me as often as they can.

they did. i had updates of what was happening with their lives, cries of how much they missed me, pictures of activities they still share … they are all good friends. Friends I’ve kept for a lifetime, friends i tried my best to keep. but i think it was quite naive of me to think we could extend this long-distance relationship for the next 5 years.

eventually the day will come when they need a friend and i wont be there for them. another person will fill up the void and i will be placed in the cabinets of memory that gets dusted a few times a month. the day will come when i can no longer fill my head with the good old times; when i would need the usual sense of comfort and all i get is a walk in an empty park on a cold fall afternoon. its always difficult to accept when you’ve reached a threshold. but that is just how things are. no point denying it this time.

Francis asked me yesterday if i think that the life we are leading is the wrong one. i told him that was a rhetorical question. what’s wrong anyway? we were not criminals, we have enough money on our banks and a way of life that could allow us to save more – we may not be jumping up and down in glee; but this is the life we are leading. We just need to find a way to make it a happier one for both of us.

easier said than done.

minsan nakakalimutan kong wala ako sa Pinas…

i know this could be a crazy idea to some. but for those who have created a mini-pinoy way of life in lands far away, you know what i mean. 

1. every fridays, saturdays and sundays you meet with 30-40 something pinoys who lived away from manila for years, all of which have 10-15 year olds kids who would understand mundane filipino words, could still speak Tagalog in perfect filipino accents (pero kapag sila-sila nalang english na ulit, still in their perfect american accents) and would be quite frantic if there aren’t any bagoong and kamatis left when s/he starts eating that pritong isda, or naubos na yung sibuyas sa beef steak.

2. you still listen to chico and delamar’s top 10 (sa gabi na ngalang..)

3.  sa handaan, unang nauubos yung kanin.

4. whenever you cook spaghetti sauce, you add sugar to Ragu and add chunks of SPAM and Oscar Mayer weiners then you top it with Velveeta cheese- para mala-Jollibee style na!

5. when your cupboard mainstays are: OTAP, monggo beans, misua, Ligo sardines, mama sita sampaloc mix, mang tomas lechon sauce and datu puti.

6. may nagyaya pa din sa’yo sumali sa multi-level networking schemes.

7.  for those na may TFC – alam mo pa din ang latest kina ethel booba, paghihiwalay ni ruffa at nag-aabang ng updates about Marimar.

8. when you meet your friends for coffee, kapag usapan 5pm – 6 na sila dadating.

9.  if there’s a magic mic within the 5-mile radius, one of you needs to get it. lunch gatherings then turns into dinner, and if the scores are fair – to midnight snacks.

10.  may tumatawad pa din ng 3 gives over those empanadas you’re trying to sell.