Archive for January, 2007

my pursuit of “happyness”

January 28, 2007 Leave a comment

i saw pursuit of happyness last night. in tv commercials, one of the movie’s teaser line was “will smith’s best performance to date”. i’m not really sure about that. don’t get me wrong, he was good in this movie…but the first will smith movie i saw was in the early 90’s – six degrees of separation. if you have seen him play an adolescent gay art history enthusiast pretending to be the son of Sydney Poitier, your standards of what this guy could do as an actor is will be way up there. find this movie, it has those screenplays where characters talks a lot and you’ll love them for that.

i’m not blogging for will smith, though it is obvious that i admire his work. i’m blogging about this line his character said in latest flick, which, as most good movie lines go, makes over-thinkers like me wonder afterwards. he mentioned something about this feeling that we all get whenever we ace an exam. the feeling that makes us feel and realize that we could do whatever we want and great things will happen – but despite all his efforts nothing really good has happened to him until that point.

i knew what he was talking about for i share those sentiments. but my struggle to pursue what his character was aiming for pales in comparison. (yes i know its fictional, please don’t be a smart-ass) it made me feel smaller. i felt that i still do not deserve great things ‘cuz i haven’t pursued “happyness” with the strength and vitality that it should be rightfully pursued.

as a young kid living with my single mom, she never allowed us to feel the struggle she had to go through to get good food in the table, get above average education for us and still go malling on weekends. i’ve never truly realized how harsh life could be. funny that i had to realize all that now that i’m living here in the US – a first world. it’s probably because of the loneliness, the fact that we are on our own, and nothing comes in with a platter.  back in Manila i could apply to any job i want and if qualified, i could just as easy get it. my mom has provided us a home that will always be there. i had people around me who cared, and i could go to them if i have too. i had a community, i had a family.

i don’t have any of those conveniences here. i have been interviewed by several jobs already, most of which i am a true fit – but have difficulty in getting because sponsorship is a big issue in the field that i am qualified to work in. if i don’t find us a new housemate in 3 weeks, we have to find a new apartment within our limited financial capabilities in 2 months, or else we are stuck in either living in a place we could barely afford or stretching the limits of comforts that we could muster. friends are rare finds and my community is comprised of two people, including me.

i’ve never really thought that pursuing happiness this hard, yes i was innocent. but i still count my blessings for i know it could be far worse, and i am glad it isn’t. i go to the cathedral everyday now. not to ask for success and all that – but to find that source of strength which is beyond me. everyday i go to renew it, and it has never failed. for that alone i am already eternally grateful.

a day seldom pass that we (kiko and i) don’t entertain the idea of just going home, thinking that is where happiness lay. i sometimes wonder why we haven’t packed our bags until now. at keast for me, i feel there is still room to hope for the better – it is still out there. i just need to better pursue it.

Categories: others

sensibility gone bonkers

January 19, 2007 2 comments

why? i just finished watching Borat.

i refrained from reading any articles about the movie before, figured it would be a waste of abundant idle time. seeing a few seconds of the trailer has convinced me long ago that it was a worthless movie and does not deserve precious downloading minutes. but after watching the golden globe’s last monday and seeing that british actor who played Borat bag the best actor in comedy award, i got a little curious.

so as i’ve said, i just finished watching the movie. no smirks, no giggles, not even a faint smile registered in my face while i was watching it.

granted that my tolerance for demeaning behaviour is close to zero. i literally went numb while the credits roll as they play their fictitious national anthem. i have always been, and is still considered (i believe so..) by most (if not all) friends as someone with a good sense of humor. if majority of the movie-going public thought this movie was hilarious and laugh out loud funny, why the f*%k didn’t i move a single facial muscle for the entire duration of the film?!

i was bothered.

i agree, Sacha Baron Cohen was so convincing as he played the anti-semetic character he invented (though i would like, out of curiosity again, to see him play his other personality the natzi-gay austrian fashion reporter) that i had second thoughts if this actor was the same guy i saw in a gorgeous and yummy looking black suit during last monday’s awards  night.

i agree, the americans who unwittingly shared their inner demons and biases should sue the the creators for slander and fraud, they have every right to do so.. though i’m not as convinced if they’ll win. i’m sure they were asked to sign clauses prior to shoot…that’s mandatory for any production. may have not read the fine prints….poor fellows.

but is it funny?

call me a downbeat softie – but it really wasn’t. yes it was goofy, idiotic and most of the time freaky. but it wasn’t FUNNY. Jim Carrie, Ben Stiller, well OK … Will Farrel movies are funny – BORAT makes you reflect upon your own sense of morals and feel numb as you try to comprehend how this society that we live in think that way it does. a “pure work of a genius”? a pioneer, that i’m sure. but geniuses for me are made up of different things.

ok, now i feel justified. but before i sleep, i must look through google for amazing images of kazakhastan. must erase mental pictures provided by this movie.

Categories: films and reviews, others

american idol season 6 begins

January 17, 2007 Leave a comment

american idol season started yesterday. the season that all local and cable networks in the US fears. NBC even came up with their own rendition of televising the american dream via their new reality tv show, Grease: You’re the one that I want, but is aired every Sundays.

come to think of it, networks have refrained from occupying the prime-time slots of Tuesday and Wednesday nights. ABC’s “grey’s anatomy” airs on Thursdays, NBC has “the medium” and another programs which would probably last only for 1 or 2 seasons max during Idol nights. even BRAVO’s top chef airs, during Wednesdays, but at 10pm, after Idol. all networks without balls.

i started watching american idol by the middle of season3, during the jasmine trias craze, though i didn’t want her to win. i enjoyed season 4 but refrained from watching the finals for i loved bo bice too much to see him loose to a country singer (a genre i may never understand). but watching through season 5, grabe, i was hooked. i LOVEd elliott yamin. i didn’t care if he had a crooked smile, or if he’s 90% deaf in one ear – hearing his voice never failed to give me the shivers. i was hoping against hope that he will win, and was crushed when he was eliminated. the only reason why i watched the finals (though i like taylor hicks…who didn’t?) was to hear-see him perform on stage again. i didn’t even know he came from Richmond before i fell in love with this diabetic. now that he’s not as famous as he was then, (though i have promised myself i will buy his album if ever one comes up), i sometimes imagine bumping into him in a small alley while jogging or while doing my groceries…hehehe…malay mo…

for the 2 hour season premier, the first city was Minnesota – the hometown of season5 finale’s guest singer PRINCE (that is his name now right?) well just like all idol premiers, the focus was more on the the wannabe’s and not on the talent found which was pretty rare. out of thousands only 17 got the yellow sheet. second city was Seattle – and there Simon was quoted for saying “”the worst bunch of miserable singers” he’d ever heard”, worst idol city so far. though for me, the wannabe’s for this premier are all disappointments. do you remember season 4’s CRAZY DAVE?!?? he is, by far, for me, the funniest idol contestant to date.

as for the rare talents from the first 2 cities, there was this one guy who auditioned with her sister. they were of indian decent, their father a retired musician of sorts. the sister was good, she went in first and got the yellow slip (which reminds me, when you go to the american embassy for a visa interview, they also give you a yellow slip if you pass…). when the shy young guy came in, Randy asked him if he is a better singer than his sister. he said his sister was better (and he wasn’t pulling anyone’s leg…he’s really adorably shy) but he’s there to just give it a try. then he sang the stevie wonder song “signed, sealed, delivered” – he gave me the shivers. his voice was unique and soooo refreshing. no, he’s not like elliott my love (though they have the same fave singer, who is also one of my fave…) this one is different. i knew he was a keeper since i saw Simon with this smile in his face which you only see when you know he is pleased. I have been watching the 2-day premiere while surfing, and it was only this guy that sang a stevie wonder song (which i don’t particularly like really, though i am in love with the guy) that made me feel all gooeeeyy inside. It would be great if I could give you a name…but as i mentioned before, the guy was indian. he of course had, a traditional indian name…which is not as easy to remember, as compared to a SAM or a MICHAEL..

ok ..10 na, top chef is starting…. this show i watch with full concentration =)

Categories: others

my first winter?

January 13, 2007 Leave a comment

playing with contrast naawa ako sa mga puno sa paligid. isipin mo, pagpasok ng October eh ginawa na nila yung role nila. their leaves turned from dark green to golden brown tapos bright yellows hanggang eventually nalaglag na sila lahat sa sahig at winalis. nakalbo na silang lahat in preparation for the new season – naghanda sila. kahit mga squirrel, nagpaka-bochog, (lahat ng sumusulpot na squirrel eh super lalaki tyan hirap na sila tumakbo at tumambling) kse dapat hibernate na sila by now at nagtatago sa loob ng mga tree trunks.

pero ano nangyayari ha? asan ang snow? ha? labo … nauna pa mag-snow sa Las Vegas kaysa sa Richmond. nalulugi na mga ski resort sa east coast. wawa.

pero tingin ko pinaka-kawawa sina trees. litong-lito sa siguro sila by now.

pero may pag-asa pa. 20% chance of snow after midnight…baka if natulugan ko yun pag-gising ko tunaw na sila lahat …

global warming? hindi… el nino. matatapos din daw agad. siguro. la pa namang puno na nag-give up at nagpatubo na ng dahon ulit.

sana meron nga sa sunday..

Categories: others

blogging and babbling

January 11, 2007 Leave a comment

keeping a journal has always been a way of life for me. i may not have survived adolescent heartbreaks, college rebellion or continue existing in this chilly (yet still not snowing…) foreign state without journals. if i remember correctly, my first journal had a lock, a present from an aunt, and just like any 4th grader i always wrote “dear diary” on the first line of all entries. it was by junior high that i dropped the habit and just started everything with the date.

if i have kept all my journals since i was a kid, i would have a closet full of notebooks by 25. but since i have always been “mature” about how i document my life – i often threw a notebook away (burned some at our backyard for fear that someone might read it and exploit the inner workings of my crazy mind) whenever i have transcended from the tragedy i was writing about – after eventually realizing that i was too self-absorbed (as all journal writers are) or am too ashamed of the thoughts documented on those sheets of paper.

now i know i should have kept them all. that way, i could let my son/daughter read them one day (probably on my deathbed) and be warned of how demented he/she could be with the genes they have acquired from me. i still have a few notebooks left, (from late high school to post-college) kept secretly in my room back in tandang sora. and of course, i have this blog, which will exist in internet space forever (unless, as a friend once wrote, the world ends tomorrow) – though not as dramatic as those journals before which were for my eyes only. but despite the poor writing, the over-extended babbling over nonsense and continuous lament and over analysis of past, future and/or present frame of mind – they remain to be the most accurate records of who i am, of who i was.

in  a few years years (or months), i would probably despise more than half of what i have written in this blog. by then i would probably need all the self-convincing i could muster not to erase some posts that have been published here. why? because the mature me accepts (is still struggling to accept) the unedited, unabridged version of ME. and now that i am in my late (yes, late is when you’ve passed 25) 20’s, i want the world (total =5-6 people who reads this blog occasionally, plus the incidental clickers) to get the real deal.

someday when i have been long gone and my grandson/granddaughter is down in misery; complaining, frustrated and exasperated with his/her life – he/she would grab a pen (or their keyboards, or write in air) to lament about everything and nothing, just like how grandma used to.

-music fades slowly, curtains close-

Categories: others

back from shinning, shimmering, splendid LAS VEGAS

January 4, 2007 2 comments

FREMONT STREET EXPERIENCE probably gained more than 5lbs from all the meals my mom forced me to digest (yeah right!), another 5lbs from the 3hr marathons in dinner buffets, deposited around $500 to various cash registers of outlet shops and fabulous thrift shops (yes they were fabuolous, we bought bags and shirts with brand tags untouched) … what we loss in our debit cards we gained in calories as we consumed the steaks beyond the tolerance of our white-meat centered diets.

we left Richmond airport with a half-full luggage and a camera bag. we came back with 2 big luggages, 2 very heavy and over-packed overnight bags, my camera bag, and 20lbs of  body fat (oozing with bad cholesterol).

they say Las Vegas is the pleasure capital of the US. indeed it was.

i honestly didn’t want to leave. not because of the red meat which i would probably refrain from eating for the next 6 months, or the shopping mania since we have spent more than we could practically afford. Las Vegas has a heart. it has passion. compared to cold and chilly Richmond, it was life. and my mom was there. it has been a long time since i’ve felt THAT SAFE. i felt as if everything will be taken care of, that i don’t have to worry about anything. my mom took good care of me. as she always did. we should thank god everyday for mothers.

a visit to LV is never complete if you don’t gamble. well i technically do not “own” the money in my bank account since i wasn’t the one who earned it, so technically, i didn’t gamble anything is Las Vegas. i do my gambling here in cold and chilly Richmond, with the only denomination left for me to gamble with. my LIFE. though i am not yet sure who is winning. they say at the end of it all, the house always wins, unless you KNOW WHEN TO STOP. 

STOPPING has never been a problem. it’s the KNOWING WHEN that i’m struggling with.

Categories: others