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recycled

i know i haven’t written anything for the longest time.  didn’t feel like it. but when i checked my friendster account today, by some stroke of magic my old blog appeared in my profile view. this hasn’t happened in ages. i have completely forgotten the URL of that site so as much as i wanted to save all the things i’ve written there for awhile i never had the way how.

so now im bookmarking the page. and, im recycling an entry. this is the reason why i keep journals. it allows one to do the impossible and leap back into time, into a past frame of mind so vividly – it seems you were there. can’t say i feel the same way now as i did last sep12, 2006 when i wrote this. sentiments are somewhat different. i mean, i’m not as lonely as i seem to be… why i can’t say – it’s a number of factors really. i just wanted to re-post this entry – apparent reasons not evident. it’s my blog anyway.

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burning bridges

i remember telling a friend a few days before leaving Manila that i felt weird. i was counting the days ’til my flight and i had this image of me dying once i board northwest. life as i knew will change.

i was trying to deny it then. i didn’t even cry during the last few moments with my friends. i told them we just need to keep in touch. joked that i would probably be back in a few months – anticipating the possibility that things will not work out as i have planned. i desperately asked them to email me as often as they can.

they did. i had updates of what was happening with their lives, cries of how much they missed me, pictures of activities they still share … they are all good friends. Friends I’ve kept for a lifetime, friends i tried my best to keep. but i think it was quite naive of me to think we could extend this long-distance relationship for the next 5 years.

eventually the day will come when they need a friend and i wont be there for them. another person will fill up the void and i will be placed in the cabinets of memory that gets dusted a few times a month. the day will come when i can no longer fill my head with the good old times; when i would need the usual sense of comfort and all i get is a walk in an empty park on a cold fall afternoon. its always difficult to accept when you’ve reached a threshold. but that is just how things are. no point denying it this time.

Francis asked me yesterday if i think that the life we are leading is the wrong one. i told him that was a rhetorical question. what’s wrong anyway? we were not criminals, we have enough money on our banks and a way of life that could allow us to save more – we may not be jumping up and down in glee; but this is the life we are leading. We just need to find a way to make it a happier one for both of us.

easier said than done.

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Categories: others
  1. chato
    July 20, 2007 at 11:47 am

    helow enjel! i hear ya. ganyan yata talaga ang side epek ng nasa ibang bansa, nagiging drama queen. ako din e. hehe. siguro di pa lang natin masyadong nahahasa yung coping skills naten for this lifestyle pero i know we’ll be able to survive. but a happy survivor…i’m not sure.

  2. July 20, 2007 at 2:28 pm

    oo nga, we have survived. ako past 1 year mark na…ikaw more! ilan ka na nga ba? si malou nga 5years na oh.. 😛 happy…siguro, sana…pero ibang sense of happiness … noh? basta, yung mga nakaranas lang i guess yung makaka-relate.
    alam ko lang kahit saan man kami mapadpad sa nomadic lifestyle namin ng asawa ko, Pinas will always be home 🙂
    i’m sure sa inyo ni bernard ganon din… 🙂

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