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Archive for April, 2007

a miscalculation

April 30, 2007 2 comments

friendship,  is one of the most overrated doctrines of my generation. being part of the population who grew up watching monica, rachel, joey and the rest of  the gang living off the majority of their adult life with next door neighbors and childhood playmates – a majority of us grew up to believe that friends are very very important aspects of us as a social animal. and in most cases, they work better than having family around. they get you, you get them – it’s a symbiosis that you have learned not to live without. a breathing apparatus that helps you filter out all the toxicities life has to offer.

i think just like all important clauses in the modern word of decaying morals, friendships – should be legally binding. like you’ll be a social outcast if you have ever failed a friendship. that the perpetrator could get something socially and/or financially sound for every clause broken. harsher punishments are called for.

but that is not how things are. a friendship lost is a friendship lost. all you could do is feel the void that sadness has occupied. nothing more.

as the great emily wrote, “first the pain, then stupor, then letting go”.

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Categories: others

not bad for my first try…

April 25, 2007 1 comment

cupcake3.jpgcupcake4.jpg  cupcake2.jpg

vanilla cupcakes with french buttercream, topped with dutch-process cocoa powder

still need to work on my decorating skills though…which is the most fun part of cupcaking!

will try carrot & cream cheese, black forest, choco fudge and of course my personal favorite…(though i would probably need some experiments to make a good one) cheese!

i used a  melt in your mouth recipe for the vanilla cupcakes above, too bad you cant see that in the pic. which may be too rich to some but was just perfect for my never-guilty sweet tooth..

la lang, tuwa talaga ako sa new cupcakes hobby ko eh…sana makagawa pa ako mas magaganda…

Categories: others

after easter

April 23, 2007 Leave a comment

for the past 2 years, easter has always been significant. i’ve always dreaded it before though. because come easter sunday, i would have to leave the beachfront i was basking in. but 2 seasons ago, the road to richmond started during easter season and ever since that year easter signified new beginnings. i was waiting for such a turning-point this year, hoping it would be something i could look forward to. a new pathway to life so to speak.

 i was hoping….i’ll bag a job. but unsurprisingly, i did not. the quota for h1b 2008 was filled up on its first day of opening. a record-breaking 150,000 applications by april 1, the cap was set only at 65,000 for 2008. the visas then would be distributed via a lottery system to these 150,000 applicants. imagine just 5 years ago, no such quota existed. i think the US government would have to revamp this system – they’re killing themselves with this one.

i was hoping i was pregnant, because i really want to be …. but i’m not. though i’m still not sure about that, given my condition and all. i would have to wait until end of the month to really know the deal.

 instead i got two things. which, as per my easter tradition, really are life-altering in ways that is still beyond my comprehension.

 i found out my father died. of a heart attack they say, though i believe he has been sick for the longest time – i’m not sure. i haven’t seen him for more than 10 years. friends who knows the drama of my broken family life would be familiar with the apathy i have felt for my father for most of my thinking existence. for days i was out of my body looking in. i couldn’t really talk to anyone, i was trying to understand what i was feeling. for years i have been accustomed to my father’s non-existence. i have comfortably tucked him away together with all those memories (painful, yes they were) of him and how non-idyllic our family life was. now he’s really gone. suddenly i was dumbfounded with a feeling that i could only relate to as a certain form of grief which was beyond its classical interpretation, if there is ever such a thing.

a death of a father is something you tell your friends about right? but how can i? all my friends knew my parents were separated. some of them were with me during those crucial apathy-forming days of my youth. how can i share with them what i was feeling, when i don’t even understand what it is. i cannot say i am over it now. but i’m writing about it. and as crazy as it may seem, my journal-writing self know that this is a good thing.

which is something i couldn’t do for my other easter disconcert.

i think i once said in this blog that i write to remember my truth. i write to record myself as i go along, which is really my only true way to remember me. but this, i don’t want this to be true. it would defeat all the hopes i have conjured for a lifetime.

i will pray. but i will never be strong enough to accept it.

Categories: others

some thoughts at 3AM

April 13, 2007 3 comments

a friend’s brother died last week. he was 2 years younger than me. i only met him once in their old house – but i knew him from his brother’s stories – which is sort of saying i didn’t know him. he was with someone the day he died. that person turned around for awhile, and in a brief second, he just jumped. he was at the 26th floor.

a friend, after recently learning how to drive back in college, told me once that sometimes when she’s driving late at night with this feeling of helplessness we as humans embrace as a talent – she imagines herself just driving off a bridge or hitting a concrete wall. and it’s really very easy to do so. without an effort, one could go to the kitchen, pull a knife from the drawer and find a vein. or jump at the those tracks as a fast train approaches.

but during moments of despair, moments when you feel the world has failed you or you have failed your world, the thought of simply ending it all sometimes becomes an option. but despite the fact that killing one’s self could be accomplished in a heartbeat – you do not do it. my friend back then reasoned that it’s because there is someting beautiful inside all of us that just wouldn’t let go. a beauty who believes in itself and tries to strive despite EVERYTHING ELSE. it is what drives the struggle to survive.

one of my favorite greek myths is the story of Sisyphus, the proud king who was doomed to eternal frustration by pushing a big rock up a steep hill which will always fall when it is in the verge of reaching the top. jessica zafra once wrote about this myth. she said what amazes her is not the frustration of pushing a heavy rock only to know it will fall back everytime – but the perseverance to do it despite the predetermined outcome.

the fact that we are compelled beyond logic to push is, for me, the beauty of life. a sense of hope that floats from the depth of our being . a feeling that could not have come from an imperfect creature such as ourselves but from somewhere far greater and better than what we could ever dare to imagine.

how my friend’s brother decided to jump, in that single moment of thought, is still a mystery to me. a scary truth that i wish – i will never have the need to understand.

Categories: others

pinoy pop songs

April 9, 2007 1 comment

i’m listening to river maya as i work now. i know, river maya is so 90’s…napaghahalata tuloy ang edad ko. i remember when their 1st album came out, i asked a friend (si noel) what he thinks of it since i haven’t bought it yet (80pesos ata isang cassette tape ‘nun, eh 50pesos lang baon ko. matagal na ipunan pa ang kailangan…). i remember him saying “may potential” – and after listening to it i knew what he meant.  the album was in the verge of being great – it tried – but it just didn’t get there. listen to 214 if you don’t believe me. you’d feel that it’s a really good song. the rhythm and lyrics gets into your nerves. but for some unexplainable reason, it doesn’t make the cut of “my all-time fave songs” list.

i have a 2 playlist in my ipod for OPM’s “ingles pero pinoy pa din” and “aliw, pinoy”.  every song on those lists brings out a euphoric sense of nostalgia. from APO to P.O.T. – with francis m and sandwich in between…mapapa-HAAY ka talaga! music has this power to pinpoint a certain period of time that couldn’t be replaced by any form of art in our generation. which brings me (finally..) to the objective of this post, my fave pinoy pop songs.

not in any particular order..

1. kahit habang-buhay, smokey mountain. pinapakinggan ko pa ito paulit-ulit sa walkman ko ‘nun! with matching daydream that you have the voice to sing the song really well…

2. cold summer nights, francis m. hindi ka batang lumaki sa 90’s if you do not remember by heart the rap part of this song!

3. ligaya, e-heads. part of e-heads first album which remains, until now, my payborit e-heads song.

4. tuwing umuulan, e-heads. ang senti song namin  ni kiko. because for some unexplainable reason, everytime we are about to go through a new chapter in our relationship – it always falls on the start of the rainy season. plus the song is great, i specially like the e-heads version. yes i am an e-heads fan. may ka-edad ba ako na hindi?

5. panaginip, P.O.T. nothing livens up a very very dull day than listening to this song in my ipod, at repeat one mode.

6.  the dance, barbie’s cradle.  i like the way barbie sings her lovesongs. it doesn’t end up cheesy but it still has its way of letting you feel that she is expressing how you feel. biased talaga ako towards female vocalists eh. up dharma is also a fave.

7. ‘di mo lang alam, brownman’s revival. oo magaling din tropical depression. pero this song by brownman is for me the ultimate merging of pinoy ballad and reggae soul…

8. panalangin, apo hiking society. a classic that never fails to make me smile and reminisce. my childhood friends and i used to sing this song in unison during warm summer nights habang naka-tambay sa mga nakaparadang jeep sa tapat ng bahay nina attorney.

9. i’m never gonna say goodbye, passage. the tripod song. pwede ba naman hindi isama sa top 10?!

10. himig natin, juan dela cruz band. still the best pinoy rock song for me.

Categories: others

while waiting for sunrise…

April 6, 2007 Leave a comment

i found another self-absorbed blog thingies in the web!

There are 23 letters in your name.
Those 23 letters total to 94
There are 13 vowels and 10 consonants in your name.
 
What your first name means:

Swedish Female Bitter.
Spanish Female Bitter.
Shakespearean Female ‘Love’s Labours Lost’ A lady attending on the Princess of France. ‘Twelfth Night’, also called ‘What You Will’ Olivia’s waiting woman.
Norse Female Name not originally Norse but it appears in several sagas and is the name of King Harald Sigurdsson’s daughter.
Latin Female Commonly-used variant of Mary: Wished-for child; rebellion; bitter. Popular with both Spanish and non-Spanish cultures.
Italian Female Bitter.
Hebrew Female Variant of Mary: Wished-for child; rebellion; bitter.
German Female Bitter.
French Female Bitter.

Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:
Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice. The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you’re a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:
You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

Categories: others

kung nasa pinas ako ngayon…

April 6, 2007 Leave a comment

1. i won’t be in manila. i would be sleeping in a beachfront house, waking up in a warm summer morning, walking to the nearby nipa hut restaurant and watch the sea and the clouds talk while i wait for 2 hours until my breakfast is served.

 2. francis will still be snoring beside me. because i vacation without him … well, is different. i’d rather hear his deep breathing that yearn for it wherever i am.

3. i would have woken up either with a headache from the pathetic minimal amount of alcohol needed to make me drunk, or with another henna tattoo in my extremities.

4. i would have recently daydreamed that the week won’t end, because i have never wanted a job too much to not wish for extended vacations.

5.  i won’t be up by 6am, with a blanket over me, exposing only my face and my hands, writing this post. 

Categories: others