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congratulations to us!

December 20, 2006 Leave a comment

i don’t care what critics say. i accept the award.

“mommy!, mommy!! nanalo ako!! ay..tayo pala! pero hindi ka naman blogger eh … nor are you into podcast or youtube. hindi ka naman masigasig nagsusulat ng reviews sa amazon or nag-dodownload ng pics sa flickr … so tama ako lang!” =p

2006 Person of the Year: YOU

makahanap nga ng article sa wikepedia na pwede maki-singit …

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Categories: others

guilt mania and magical thinking

December 19, 2006 Leave a comment

i finished the augusten burroughs book, finally, the last one on my current list. it was an easy read really, took 2 days in between watching cable shows. the book is a collection of personal essay about his life – the how, why and the now of his New Yorker gay existence. it has been said before that writers could be too self-involved most of the time, and they write to demand attention. i’m pretty sure augusten will agree with such notions, and will be damn proud of it. this is the reason why i like him. in “catcher in the rye”, Holden shared his criteria of a good book – it’s when  after finishing one, he wants to grab a phone and get the author in the other line. well i’m not really the confident type of gal who would simply call a a NY bestseller author to talk about his gayness – but my alter ego would do it in a heartbeat.

one of the few stories that interested me was when he discussed the psychological concept of “magical thinking” – the strong belief that you could drastically change the course of the universe at will. example in the book: whenever his friend rides a plane, she refrains from slouching and remains in her straight vertical position for fear that if she moves a muscle, the weight shift will cause the plane to crash. or one will walk fast in an intersection because she believes if she will be able to get to the other side before the red stop sign flashes – then she will have a great day ahead of her. well i do not share the same apprehension – as i’ve mentioned before – i am not the most confident of girls – such a belief is just too egotistic for me. mine is more like “me, magnified in scrutiny, 100x”.

it’s a different neurotic dysfunction. i call it “guilt mania”.

example1: i haven’t been going to church lately during sundays, i just couldn’t drag myself to go. my mind would always create these lousy excuses not to do so, but the truth to the matter is, i’m really just not the mass-going type (no i’m not agnostic, i love God, it’s just the masses that i have an issue with), never was and may never be. but despite this fact (that i am fully aware of) i am full of guilt every sunday, i watch the clock tick every so often to see how much of the day is left.  i get scared of the possible consequences of not going to church (expect catholics to be the best guilt-trippers of all religious orders) and picture all possible morbid, hazardous and depressing consequences in my head. but still i don’t go. and this has been a sunday ritual for me.

example2: we have this acquiantance (i just don’t have the heart to call her a friend) whom we have been with for quite some time here in richmond. she’s nice most of the time but whenever she dresses up in her cunning personality, she could be wickedness personified. but it is difficult to simply hate her because she is too clueless! (mumay would be the term my friend Issa would use) i don’t know, it seems that most of the time, she doesn’t know that she’s being wicked. or maybe she moves so gracefully in between her schizo personalities i’m simply bewildered. and this fact – that i am not sure if her meanness is premeditated act of consciousness or not – prevents me from being mad at her. i just can’t bring myself to casually imagine her hit her bare toe to a wooden, bulky furniture then cry to tears in pain, and be forced to wear slippers, now that winter is a few weeks away- such a simple pleasure really for my degenerate soul … but i can’t,  i’ll feel too guilty. now that i have written this and would probably refrain myself from erasing it – i’m now scared of the potential negative karma coming my way since i have published such ill-thoughts about what could be a true, unblemished person.

it’s probable that this recurrent dysfunction could be traced back to childhood (what couldn’t be?) but when or what part of my childhood, i wouldn’t know. i have vague memories of those early years, maybe if a psycho analyst conducts some form of clinical jedi-mind trick on me, i’ll be able to isolate the thought-process in my head and they’ll be able to remove it, like the doctors in “eternal sunshine of a spotless mind”.

i’m babbling. and finally, feeling sleepy.

hope though, is but a remote idea.

Categories: others

many firstsszzz

December 18, 2006 1 comment

bread

well, i got the recipe from a french chef … and i did it at home … and for the past 6 months i have been doing a lot of baking, and i’m getting good at it … i then conclude that this first take on making my own bread is of artisan influence. bawal tumutol.

not having a job (translation: gazillion free time, zero cash at hand) could drive anyone to undergo a lot of first-time. as documented above; my first successful baguette. i know i could buy them at Kroger – but making them from scratch is so much cheaper … and baking calms my neurotic nerves, so i try to do it as often as i can.

i made my first chocolate chip cookies here in richmond, and i bake 2 batches every other week. well, cookies are cheaper if you buy them … but i’m using a low fat recipe which only needs 1/4 cup butter – makes us feel less guilty to eat them all in one sitting.

and of course, i will never forget – my first do-it-yourself haircut last month! i was getting fed up with the way my hair curls up at its tip since it has long passed its managable length, so i decided one morning to just cut it myself. fees for professional hairdressers here is at $20, i only get a barber at $10. i could never trust a barber to cut my hair, plus i have seen the gays at my fave salon do it to me a hundred times before. so armed with WalMart sharpened scissors, a comb, newspapers by the floor while standing in front of our bedroom’s full length-mirror – i started, with my big eyes wide open. i didn’t do a one-swing cut, i mimicked my beloved gay hairdressers, i worked through them in layers. it was really easy and i was so impressed with what i have done, i was addicted and was in a trance. i had to restrain myself for fear that i will loose more than i have planned.

so now ur probably asking – where’s the picture? it’s 9.40pm ok – my hair is in a bun already and is now curling in all known geographical directions. even if setting up my tripod would be relatively easy, fixing my hair to let everyone believe that i did a good job would be too much of a task. our trip to vegas is near, i’ll soon be sending pictures of the visit – by then you would believe me when i tell you that i have a future in hairstyling.

i did a chocolate cake once, a few months back, with all the icing deco and stuff. it was so chocolaty i remember we had headaches after devouring half in one day. but it didn’t look PROFESSIONAL. hmmm … i should attempt to do another one when we get back from vegas. probably a mocha this time.

Categories: others

scuba dude

December 15, 2006 Leave a comment

Philippines identified as world’s epicenter of marine biodiversity.

kaya dapat lahat ng pinoy, nagda-dive … pagbalik ko pinas … papa-accredit na tlga ako …

Categories: others

high school

December 10, 2006 2 comments

my first time to see now and then was a consequence of an escape from a crazed school principal. it was a saturday and the anniversary of a marian event – which for my friends meant a way to officially meet up on a weekend and ask for allowance. the plan was to pretend we will attend, then find a way to break away from the group before they head for Rizal Memorial Complex at Vito Cruz, Malate. 

when the students were lining up to fill the jeeps that will take us to the place, we purposely allowed others to pass us by and use the excuse that there aren’t any room left for us so we will just go there on our own. the plan was working and we were trying to hide big smiles in our faces. it was at that point that our school principal surfaced with her bumblebee sunglasses (it wasn’t a fashion statement then). she asked one of the janitors to look for a FX to rent for the whole gang so that she could join us for the trip to Malate.

there was no choice but to board the FX and go with her, and since everything within the confines of an FX in within hearing distance, counterplans couldn’t be formulated. going to Malate was a long trip from QCSHS, it was an hour or more of pretending to be in our best behaviour which was killing all of us inside. a few minutes after boarding the FX, our principal did something we never expected. she pulled out her rosary, and led us all in prayer. in our 4 years of bullying our way around Quesci, (we buy a frosty each from our “kikil” operations every other day, got “free” pens and notebooks from the school bookstore, stroll around SM if a teacher was absent through our secret “over the bakod with a ladder” passage)we got away from all the crazy stuff we have done because: 1) we got good grades which was high enough to make parents and teachers happy but not too high to classify us as school geeks, 2) pure deception, 3) utter denial.

we were bored beyond our wits but had no choice. it was a moving vehicle. halfway through the rosary, Roy (a guy friend close to our pack) started making faces. the principal was seated in the middle portion, and we at the back were all red from suppressed chuckles. to make suppressing our laughs more difficult for us, he pulled out a paper from his binder, rolled in into a tube, and blew into it with its end near the neck of our principal. this made her shiver as an involuntary reaction. our faces were buried  in our laps by that point. he did it again and again until we begged him to stop. all these while we were reciting the rosary.

the entrance to the stadium was packed when we arrived. without talking to each other, we knew what we had to do. we allowed our principal to lead the way, together with a few loyal students by her side. after a few minutes we were suddenly “lost” in the crowd and found our way to the far side of gate. without text messaging and beepers during those younger years, mental telepathy was at its peak.

watching now and then inspired us to make a somewhat similar pact  done by the characters in the movie – to meet up and see each other (wherever we are) after 10 years. i can’t remember when we made it though, was it during the same afternoon when we were sitting by the grass near manila bay? (it hasn’t been transformed into a commercial establishment like it is now) or by the Monday after, while we were semi-listening to whoever was trying to teach us something at class … either way, the 10th year mark will end in a few weeks. but despite the fact that it would be relatively easy for me to get in touch with all of them in this day and age – i do not have the heart to do so.

maybe our friendship would have been better off it ended tragically at graduation day rather than it dying a slow, natural death as we each grew apart through the years. back in college, we ocassionally saw each other for lunch, still practiced marathon phone calls at night, spent most weekends together at malls and continued to scrutinize each other’s object of affection as an obsession. but a lot of things happened soon after, and the saddest thing about it all is that the emotional break-up could have been prevented – if only we tried to stay friends.

it’s upsetting when people grow apart. i would like to think that the act is a conscious effort – not an undertaking which one has no control over. because if that is the case, then why should i make an effort to make new friends when by the end of the day, circumstances will always arise to make me loose them?

i don’t know what’s causing my current antisocial disposition. all i know is that i miss old friends. but i miss them in a way that cannot be remedied by a simple “Hi” in YM chat, an email greeting for the holidays or a meaningless text message. i would like to be friends with all of them again, friends just like what we were when we made that pact 10 years ago. i know such a wish could never be granted. but then again, it’s christmas – the season of eternal hope.

and i, like most,  won’t mind being surprised.

Categories: others

a slump

December 8, 2006 Leave a comment

slump“>slump /slʌmp/sluhmp] 

 – a decrease, decline, or deterioration. 
 – a period of decline or deterioration. 
 – any mild recession in the economy as a whole or in a particular industry. 
 – a period during which a person performs slowly, inefficiently, or ineffectively, esp. a period during which an athlete or team fails to play or score as well as usual.
 – a slouching, bowed, or bent position or posture, esp. of the shoulders. a landslide or rockslide.
 – the vertical subsidence of freshly mixed concrete that is a measure of consistency and stiffness.

YES, this is what this is. blame limited access to this laptop, or the troublesome technical paper on magnetic tunnel junctions Francis is completing, not to mention – 4 tv series i keep up with via the web plus books i want to finish off and return to the lib so that i could borrow new ones …

this is a BLOG SLUMP. apologies to myself. i miss my dose of self-therapy.

Categories: others