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Robin Williams died today

August 11, 2014 Leave a comment

Most news cycle today will have a clip of Dead Poet Society, Patch Adams, or Mrs. Doubtfire. His work with the military has been mentioned a couple of times, the Genie, his Oscar awarded performances – the genius of his mastered craft will be on a continuous loop on every screen and tablet that can show it. They’ve discussed his depression, how he was an honest man, and how like us common folks he struggled. Good words will be shared, his life will be celebrated.

But here in my little corner between the wall and our bed, in this small space of annoying carpet fabric I ponder at one thought related to Robin William’s death. I wonder what made him give up.

He has been struggling with depression and addiction for most of his adult life. He has the means to seek help and he had managed to stay afloat for decades. What was that single thought that made him decide that enough is  enough –  asphyxiation is better than breathing.

I wonder about this not because I am surprised that he didn’t have the ability to look at the half full world instead of the half empty. I wonder because I too see the world as half empty now, but I do not have the conviction to end it. He had, and I wonder what he saw and why I do not see it.

Maybe he lost hope. I’ve abandoned hope a long time ago. What wakes me up in the morning are obligations. 

It is not the best reason to live. But i’m still here.

They will talk about his life. I wonder about his death. I think how we die should matter as much as how we lived. I wonder about how I will die sometimes. But then i hear the sweet snores and feel the small hand move beside me. So for now I would just sleep.

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