Archive for February, 2007

places i’d like to live at if have inexhaustible source of funds w/c i could spend anyway i want w/o any negative consequence to my existence, my eternal soul, the human race and the universe at large

February 24, 2007 1 comment

1. new york. i’ll get a park ave. apartment, eat at celebrity chef restaurants (with the exception of flying to napa valley on weekends to dine at the french laundry), hire heidi klum to wipe my ass, shop for tsinelas at 5th avenue, watch the latest broadway show in private and rent starry night from MoMa for display in my bedroom every other  month. i’ll buy out all the companies under the new york stock exchange and will equally distribute corporate america’s wealth to poverty-stricken nations.

2. fiji. i’ll ask my architect to build me a traditional nipa hut with modern plumbing to be placed a few miles beyond the seashore – with a long bamboo walk connecting my nipa house to the island. i’ll buy a  big yacht to go to nearby diving sites of tahiti and the french polynesia as well as travel to other great diving sites in the pacific. i’ll dive with an imax camera to get footage of the coral reefs, which i could watch in my own imax theater. (you could watch too, entrance is free to anyone)  i’ll fund ALL research groups finding ways to save the reefs and will haul all politicians against global warming, deforestation and over-fishing reforms to the mystical island in the TV series- LOST.

3. europe. every month i hop from one european city to another, staying at expensive suites while hiring a different michelin-star chef daily to prepare their signature tasting menu for my pleasure. i’ll have the best SLR in the market at my disposal to take pictures of all the the quaint and idyllic places i’ll visit as well as create signature shots of famous european spots. unlimited access to all art galleries (no lines to wait, no time limit per room), the best seat in the house to watch any symphony, opera or ballet that i want as well as back stage pass for sting and U2 concerts. i will support restoration projects for historic buildings, painting and anything related to the preservation of western art.

4. a nomad. i basically won’t live anywhere. every few months (or years) i’ll be living from one country after another – all dictated by whim. but i won’t be a tourist. instead, i will be incorporated as a local in all the places i visit , this way i get to experience everything that the country has to offer – its pains and beauty without secrets and reservations. i will propagate this way of living, the chance to travel and live this way by subsidizing anyone who wish to do so. eventually such a way of life will lead to utter understanding of humanity which will trigger world peace.

5. hubble telescope. everyday i will just view the wonders of the cosmos, daydreaming about distant worlds and a way of life which is beyond my knowledge. i will fund all scientific researches aimed to increase our understanding of the universe and discovering the secrets of time and space. once majority of the the thinking world is preoccupied with thoughts bigger themselves, then human wickedness may cease to exist. 

then maybe the Vulcans will finally come and i’ll have the chance to show off my ability to form a distinct V with my fingers.

Categories: others

the affirmation of love

February 23, 2007 Leave a comment

while trying to read this new book i got from the lib, i was semi-watching this oprah special where oscar winners were interviewing each other. they were all paired up:julia and goerge, russel and nicole, sydney and jamie. anyway – there was a question answered by nicole that catched my attention. “would you rather be the giver of love or at the receiving end?” she said that through the years she learned that giving love is easy and it’s the accepting part which is the hardest – so now she’s trying to do that. learning to acknowledge that she is loved by the people she loves.

she’s right. but most of the time i think that despite the conscious yearning to acknowledge this fact, the bigger factor still is if the other person makes YOU feel that you are loved. no amount of self-conditioning could help if doubt has clouded one’s mind. and once that cloud settles in, it won’t be easy to find a way to see around it. it becomes this white elephant that won’t go away – despite of everything.  

i read in an article a few months back written by a wordpress blogger on marriage as an institution which is no longer applicable in the 20th century setting. he had some strong points as well as weak ones. but for me, the real challenge of married life is not how to stay in that euphoric feeling of loving someone – but how to fully trust the person you are with that they love you back – to not doubt that love. to find a way to believe that you are a person that could be loved at the intensity that you are capable of loving others.

to love is one great thing. to trust is another league of its own.

Categories: others

since the oscars is a week away … part2

February 21, 2007 1 comment

me answering the 10 pivot questions asked by James Lipton to all his actor-guest in “inside the actor’s studio”:

  1. What is your favorite word? quintessential. i like the way it sounds and how i always find difficulty pronouncing the first syllable – also because it perfectly embodies my mantra of not settling for something less without the competitive angle which i abhore.
  2. What is your least favorite word? simple. because nothing really is. it’s like a word negating itself.
  3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? engaging conversations, connection with complete strangers, random acts of kindness
  4. What turns you off? people who assume they know when they don’t
  5. What is your favorite curse word? potah (poohtaah)
  6. What sound or noise do you love? drum beats, francis snoring, waves in a beach
  7. What sound or noise do you hate? silence. it irritates me.
  8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? my childhood dream of becoming a doctor
  9. What profession would you not like to do? dentist. the saliva contact disturbs me. despite the use of surgical gloves.
  10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? that i was the best wife and mother that i could be

saya ‘dba? sarap mag-feeling. game kayo din…sa comment box para mabasa ko ha.

Categories: others

since the oscars is a week away… -part1

February 19, 2007 3 comments

‘la manlang nag-match sa 2 pics…hehehehe

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what my friends did to make me happy today even if i didn’t see them

February 16, 2007 Leave a comment

i wanted to write about loneliness, again. but god intervened.  

(1) before i opened my wordpress site this evening i chanced upon one of my favorite friends, jack. normally if i see jack online, i have this tendency to pour my heart out, she being one of my oldest friends. and with a philo doctorate degree due in a year – she’s one of those few persons who really helps in ways that i could not describe. she doesn’t solve my problems for me – but she has a way of helping that makes me smile at the end of the conversation…kahit na YM chat lang. today i refrained from narrating what tragic feeling i had at that moment even after she asked how i was. i simply told her it’s not good, but i didn’t want to talk about it. it was at that point that she shared her habit of listening to “a prairie home companion” for fun. she said any worthless, tiring and wickedly tormenting day ends well for her when she listens to this weekly radio program. she said i should give it a try, specially with my ubercorny sense of humor.

and i did. she was right. i was laughing out loud after 15 minutes of tuning in.

(2) everyday i open my email, a habit i didn’t drop despite my not-working status. and everyday i receive 3 types of email. 1st type- SPAMS, lots of it. during my first few months in richmond i was fooled into believing this “home business” craze which is quite rampant, and i signed up to a lot of site using my gmail address. so everyday that i check my account, i put tick-marks at about 10-15 spam messages, click the report spam and they’re gone..for now. 2nd type – job agents, from 3 major US sites. which if you knew my life could be more depressing and irritating than notorious SPAM messages. i open them up to look at the opportunities “matched” for me by my reliable agents. jobs that i have been applying to for the past 2 months, jobs that i have not been successful in getting. i apply to all of them, regardless of where they are or what position it is – by now i don’t really mind. i don’t have the heart to mind anymore.

and then there’s the 3rd type. an email thread that i read with a heavy heart but always with this broken smile in my face. friends back home who consciously neglect the fact that i am at a time zone exactly opposite to theirs. they talk to me as if i could easily show up to a saturday night-out they’re planning. they include me in their list of attendees for the summer get-away (awaiting confirmation of course). they make sure i know all those littlest and immaterial details about their individual and collective lives…things that they know i’d love to hear about.

they make me feel i’m there, as if i’ve never left. i will always love them for that.

Categories: others

a small bite at the BIG APPLE

February 10, 2007 Leave a comment

i cannot contain myself. when Kiko called me yesterday morning informing me about the email bulletin announcing an OIE-organized trip to New York – i started perspiring despite the 5C weather.

new york. actully, i’ve seen new york a thousand times … countless woody allen movies since high school, reading catcher in the rye for the nth time, my tv locked at food network every week as they eat  around greenwich village, with me salivating over the thought of devouring a large thin crust pizza margarita at the first pizzaria in this side of the planet. and of course there’s gray’s papaya and central park zoo …

new york.  an OIE (office of international education) trip –  i was sure it’s at a discounted rate. by 1pm francis and i were on top (literally, we were the first two to pay) of the NY trip list.

since last night i have been goooogling, reading this travel book i borrowed from the lib last week (talk about intuition!) and checking out ALL sites possible to complete my itinerary. we’re leaving Mar 9 11.30pm and are scheduled to be back in Richmond by Mar 12, 11.30pm. counting the Liberty and Empire State Building included in the trip package – i only have around 2 days to create my dream IT!

i know i could go back, one of the few benefits of living on the east coast… but still. i want this first visit to NY to be impeccable!

so far…

ETA New York: March 10, 6am                      
(1) with OIE: Liberty Island & Empire State Building
(2) walk along Madison Avenue to Grand Central Station
(3) eat dinner at Grand Central Station **
(4) walk to Times Square **
(5) walk to Phantom of the Opera at Majestic Theatre
March 11
(1) Met Museum – 9am-12noon
(2) walk to Gray’s Papaya  – 2090 Broadway (72nd St.)
(3) walk to Central Park – see EVERYTHING!, 1-5pm
(4) ride subway to Rockefeller Center
(5) walk to Times Square or Grand Central Station **                                                     

March 12
(1) subway to Museum of Modern Art, 9-11am
(2) subway to Little Italy-  Lombardi’s Pizza for lunch
(3) subway to Greenwich Village via Washington Park until dragged to go ride the bus home..

i know it still needs a lot of work. winter in new york prescribes ice skating in rockefeller, “a quintessential new york experience..” but skating in rockefeller alone is $20/head! (skates rental and entrance to the rink). a cheaper alternative is bryant park (which would have been a must-see if we were going on fashion week), they just charge skates rental – that means going thru the subway on the afternoon of March 11, which is really not a problem if I will have the chance to see Grand Central Station on the 10th (where Holden stayed after getting off the train from pennsylvania after being kicked out of his prep school..then he got out and took a cab to…park ave? should find my book i know i brought it with me…) – which may not be the case since i need to wait in line by the 10th while i get those student-discount tickets of phantom at majestic … or maybe i should just skip broadway for now ….

the central park lake will be frozen!! i’ll probably scan the area to see if there are ducks hiding there during winter … maybe i’ll get to wonder where they go too!! (grabe kinikilig talaga aaaakkoooo….)

stop ….. breathe

i have a month to figure things out: print museum floor plans (MoMA! Starry NIGHT!!!), check other discounts, visualize the subway, read catcher again, bookmark pages from, …


haaayyyyy… new york …. sa wakas ….

Categories: others

going home

February 1, 2007 Leave a comment

the other night kiko came back from the lab, hungry and with this frequent weary look in his face. he lamented what was, again, a very bad day working with the chinese mafia which dominates that machiavellian existence under Dr. Morkoc’s micro-electronic lab. i guess one of the worst thing about not having a career of my own is obsessing over my husband’s. i try to evaluate the day to day psych war played in that hell-hole, engrossing myself with all the nitty-gritty details and over-analyzing statements made by who…it’s really not a way to live. so it wasn’t a surprise when again, the possibility of just leaving everything behind and go home came up, which always ends up with: a)wait for australia, b) get at least a master’s degree, c) he finding work here. going home was a dream, but was never included in the wise options.

maybe it was because i was reading the first chapter of bourdain’s book where he was describing his first time to eat balut in Saigon, or when i opened my email friends back home were discussing (in threads, where i was included, which i think is their way of showing me they still care) what beach/ island cove to ransack for summer 2007. a planning, which if i was back home, would be spear-heading in a heartbeat. or maybe because i got tired of filing one application after another which just ends up with a big question whether the company is willing to sponsor authorization…i’m not really sure.

but as i was looking at Francis as he sleeps, his mouth slightly open as always giving off this rythmic snoring pattern which i have grown to love – the thought dawned into me. what if we just go home-NOW.

i was lost after that. for the next hour i lay awake in my bed daydreaming at 2am of what life would be if we just do it, no questions asked. probably a trip to sorsogon is first on my list (i want to see the butanding while i could still swim with them – not when my joints ache from the 10hr ride to bicol). we could live rent-free in Cainta with his sister who loves us so much (plus they’re not usually there, they also keep a condo near dlsu-manila). we just need to install broad-band internet (or whatever company provides the fastest internet connection in Manila) so that i could still watch my shows. i would have to find a job fast, but since i was only gone for a little over 6 months it may not be as hard to do so – i could always make up an excuse why i left SMC. kiko could go back to Intel for awhile or get a teaching position in UP Diliman or REST (he badly needs to), at least work on something while the australia migration is being processed. we could even live in Cebu if Fairchild accepts him- this could still be a good thing for me. big food companies have prominent vismin hq’s..

yes it won’t be as financially rewarding, but who needs financial rewards when everyday a little part of you dies in richmond? yes we needed stability, but is it really here? everyday that francis walks out our door i worry. i worry because i know being here and getting that PhD eats him up inside. he always say he doesn’t want it anymore – the pursuit which i thought i married together with this person – he said it wasn’t all he hoped it would be. so why the F&%! am i still pushing him to go on??! sales people live by a dictum – there are a thousand and one ways to skin a cat. we have options. and unlike the previous me, i won’t stuck myself in a place thinking i didn’t have a choice. the travels? we could always go to new york and spend a weekend there before going home. the 3 things i wanted to do in the US were: 1)be with kiko and take care of him, 2) see my mom and her life, 3) see new york. all the others are just icing on the cake. well of course there was disneyworld, but i figured, it may be a better idea to go there with my future sons/daughters and since merely visiting that place costs a lot, we should be efficient. and i also realized, for a 20something year-old, i have a good share of travels. i am considerably young. there is still time for those.

 when i went to mass that morning, i felt light. as if a burden has been lifted, and answers were clear. i was still scared and worried, but a little bit confident really – why, i don’t understand. it just felt that way.

 when kiko came home that evening, feeling less gloomy than the night before, i told him about my plan. let’s just say we weren’t looking at the same page. it was disheartening. though he gave me a timeline which i could work with. i don’t know. i guess.

am i giving up? maybe i am. but the real deal is just the simple fact that: i want to go home. that’s really all there is to it.

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