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the familiar dread is back

January 17, 2015 Leave a comment

Hey there stranger.
I think it’s not to anyone’s surprise if I say that I do not miss you at all. It’s been what, maybe 6 months or dare I say maybe 8, since we last bumped into each other. It’s been so long I can’t even remember how things were last time you were here.

Well since you’ve been back for a couple of weeks now I’ve been trying to ignore you. I was hoping that pretending you’re not here or maybe wishing you away will do the trick. Though deep down I knew that would not last. Crying myself to sleep almost every night has been helpful in coping with your being here again. And the stress of functioning has been a welcomed distraction as well. But when all that is gone and I have to look you in the eye as you try to establish your hold on me once again, all my efforts to hide and look away become laughable and pathetic efforts that I bet never fail to amuse you.

I often wonder when was the first time I met you. How young was I, why did we meet, what did I do? I don’t think I can find the answer to the first 2. But this blog is like a living fossil of the answer to the last question. Writing has been my main tool of understanding you – of dealing with you. I would not have tolerated you this long if words suddenly fail to acknowledge and confirm your hold on me.

I honestly think at this point that I’ve lost my war with you. This is my white flag of surrender, the while flag staking your claim on my soul. Yes you are here and you are here to stay. Those glimpses of moments when you decide to walk away and spare me the burden of your presence are rewards. And I cling to them like a slave who dreams about freedom. But they are facades – mind tricks that desperate people come up with to endure and survive you.

I am Sisyphus and you are my rock. I know you’ve won – that has always been the plan. My hell is not the fact that you roll back all the time. My hell is the belief that I hold onto thinking I can push you away. Well I’m done pushing. I’m staying at the bottom of my hill with you. Let’s set up camp here. I’ll get the tent, you can start the fire. We’ll live here forever.

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