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going home

the other night kiko came back from the lab, hungry and with this frequent weary look in his face. he lamented what was, again, a very bad day working with the chinese mafia which dominates that machiavellian existence under Dr. Morkoc’s micro-electronic lab. i guess one of the worst thing about not having a career of my own is obsessing over my husband’s. i try to evaluate the day to day psych war played in that hell-hole, engrossing myself with all the nitty-gritty details and over-analyzing statements made by who…it’s really not a way to live. so it wasn’t a surprise when again, the possibility of just leaving everything behind and go home came up, which always ends up with: a)wait for australia, b) get at least a master’s degree, c) he finding work here. going home was a dream, but was never included in the wise options.

maybe it was because i was reading the first chapter of bourdain’s book where he was describing his first time to eat balut in Saigon, or when i opened my email friends back home were discussing (in threads, where i was included, which i think is their way of showing me they still care) what beach/ island cove to ransack for summer 2007. a planning, which if i was back home, would be spear-heading in a heartbeat. or maybe because i got tired of filing one application after another which just ends up with a big question whether the company is willing to sponsor authorization…i’m not really sure.

but as i was looking at Francis as he sleeps, his mouth slightly open as always giving off this rythmic snoring pattern which i have grown to love – the thought dawned into me. what if we just go home-NOW.

i was lost after that. for the next hour i lay awake in my bed daydreaming at 2am of what life would be if we just do it, no questions asked. probably a trip to sorsogon is first on my list (i want to see the butanding while i could still swim with them – not when my joints ache from the 10hr ride to bicol). we could live rent-free in Cainta with his sister who loves us so much (plus they’re not usually there, they also keep a condo near dlsu-manila). we just need to install broad-band internet (or whatever company provides the fastest internet connection in Manila) so that i could still watch my shows. i would have to find a job fast, but since i was only gone for a little over 6 months it may not be as hard to do so – i could always make up an excuse why i left SMC. kiko could go back to Intel for awhile or get a teaching position in UP Diliman or REST (he badly needs to), at least work on something while the australia migration is being processed. we could even live in Cebu if Fairchild accepts him- this could still be a good thing for me. big food companies have prominent vismin hq’s..

yes it won’t be as financially rewarding, but who needs financial rewards when everyday a little part of you dies in richmond? yes we needed stability, but is it really here? everyday that francis walks out our door i worry. i worry because i know being here and getting that PhD eats him up inside. he always say he doesn’t want it anymore – the pursuit which i thought i married together with this person – he said it wasn’t all he hoped it would be. so why the F&%! am i still pushing him to go on??! sales people live by a dictum – there are a thousand and one ways to skin a cat. we have options. and unlike the previous me, i won’t stuck myself in a place thinking i didn’t have a choice. the travels? we could always go to new york and spend a weekend there before going home. the 3 things i wanted to do in the US were: 1)be with kiko and take care of him, 2) see my mom and her life, 3) see new york. all the others are just icing on the cake. well of course there was disneyworld, but i figured, it may be a better idea to go there with my future sons/daughters and since merely visiting that place costs a lot, we should be efficient. and i also realized, for a 20something year-old, i have a good share of travels. i am considerably young. there is still time for those.

 when i went to mass that morning, i felt light. as if a burden has been lifted, and answers were clear. i was still scared and worried, but a little bit confident really – why, i don’t understand. it just felt that way.

 when kiko came home that evening, feeling less gloomy than the night before, i told him about my plan. let’s just say we weren’t looking at the same page. it was disheartening. though he gave me a timeline which i could work with. i don’t know. i guess.

am i giving up? maybe i am. but the real deal is just the simple fact that: i want to go home. that’s really all there is to it.

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