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my pursuit of “happyness”

i saw pursuit of happyness last night. in tv commercials, one of the movie’s teaser line was “will smith’s best performance to date”. i’m not really sure about that. don’t get me wrong, he was good in this movie…but the first will smith movie i saw was in the early 90’s – six degrees of separation. if you have seen him play an adolescent gay art history enthusiast pretending to be the son of Sydney Poitier, your standards of what this guy could do as an actor is will be way up there. find this movie, it has those screenplays where characters talks a lot and you’ll love them for that.

i’m not blogging for will smith, though it is obvious that i admire his work. i’m blogging about this line his character said in latest flick, which, as most good movie lines go, makes over-thinkers like me wonder afterwards. he mentioned something about this feeling that we all get whenever we ace an exam. the feeling that makes us feel and realize that we could do whatever we want and great things will happen – but despite all his efforts nothing really good has happened to him until that point.

i knew what he was talking about for i share those sentiments. but my struggle to pursue what his character was aiming for pales in comparison. (yes i know its fictional, please don’t be a smart-ass) it made me feel smaller. i felt that i still do not deserve great things ‘cuz i haven’t pursued “happyness” with the strength and vitality that it should be rightfully pursued.

as a young kid living with my single mom, she never allowed us to feel the struggle she had to go through to get good food in the table, get above average education for us and still go malling on weekends. i’ve never truly realized how harsh life could be. funny that i had to realize all that now that i’m living here in the US – a first world. it’s probably because of the loneliness, the fact that we are on our own, and nothing comes in with a platter.  back in Manila i could apply to any job i want and if qualified, i could just as easy get it. my mom has provided us a home that will always be there. i had people around me who cared, and i could go to them if i have too. i had a community, i had a family.

i don’t have any of those conveniences here. i have been interviewed by several jobs already, most of which i am a true fit – but have difficulty in getting because sponsorship is a big issue in the field that i am qualified to work in. if i don’t find us a new housemate in 3 weeks, we have to find a new apartment within our limited financial capabilities in 2 months, or else we are stuck in either living in a place we could barely afford or stretching the limits of comforts that we could muster. friends are rare finds and my community is comprised of two people, including me.

i’ve never really thought that pursuing happiness this hard, yes i was innocent. but i still count my blessings for i know it could be far worse, and i am glad it isn’t. i go to the cathedral everyday now. not to ask for success and all that – but to find that source of strength which is beyond me. everyday i go to renew it, and it has never failed. for that alone i am already eternally grateful.

a day seldom pass that we (kiko and i) don’t entertain the idea of just going home, thinking that is where happiness lay. i sometimes wonder why we haven’t packed our bags until now. at keast for me, i feel there is still room to hope for the better – it is still out there. i just need to better pursue it.

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